Special Report

Is your child being bullied?

- 17 Signs -

One day your child comes home and something seems different.  Your child may be a Kindergartener, a Sixth’s Grader or even a Senior in High School, but they just look or sound different than the last time they came in that door.

You ask them how school was today and they say, “Okay” and walk past you like you was a ghost, not even in the room.  You may continue to question your child, “So Johnny, anything interesting happen at school today?”

“Nah, nothing.”

It’s clear your child does not want to talk about something, but you surmise that there must be a good reason so you let the questioning go, for now.

However, in the evening you think about how your child acted when he came home from school and you wonder if there is something wrong at school. 

You are aware when Johnny is studying for a test so if he had flunked the test, that would be the first thing out of his mouth when he came through the door.  “I blew it!  I got a D on my History test!”  …And mom comes to comfort him.

Although I am giving you 17 signs of possible bullying, I am sure there are more signs I will not have covered, but these signs will be enough to determine if your child is having problems with bullying in school.
 

Here are 17 Signs that your child may be a victim of Bullying

1.  Your child may refuse to talk about what's wrong

Why wouldn’t your child tell you he is being bullied in school?

There are at least four reasons why your child will not talk.

• Fear of retaliation – Your child has been threatened in some way
• Your child believes they are at fault – he/she believes that he/she deserves to be bullied
• Your child doesn’t believe adults will listen, understand, do anything, or can’t do anything about the bullying
• Your child did talk to you or someone at school about the bullying.  Unfortunately, no one listened or took it seriously – “Oh Johnny, that’s just part of growing up.  You can handle it.”  If this happened to you than you know the trust factor is low and must be built up again.

 
2. Your child may be frightened of walking to and from school
    Your child may change their usual route

If your child never complained about walking to school the year prior or never deviated from their usual route, something is causing that complaint.  It’s okay to ask your child why they are afraid.  They may not tell you what is really going on during that walk to school but at least they will know that you are concerned.

What to do? If you have some friends that live in some of the houses along the route, why not ask them a favor, to watch and see if anything is happening to your child along the path to the school and report back to you.  It is human nature for people to want to help if they can.
 

3. Your child may not want to go on the school bus
    or may beg someone to drive them to school

Again, has your child complained about riding the bus in a prior year?  Ask your child if there is a reason they don’t like riding the bus anymore.  If they tell you that someone is bothering them on the bus than agree to drive them to school until the problem is resolved.  Depending on how the school responds that could be one or two days, or the rest of the school year, so be prepared to sacrifice for the safety of your child.

What to do?  Call the school administrator that is in charge of school safety and have him set up a camera in your child’s bus.  If a bully is bullying your child, he will bully someone else’s child and it will be caught on camera.  Remember this – bullies bully because they can and because they can get away with it.  Your child is not the problem, the bully is.  Your child has been targeted for the bully’s emotionally warped reasons.  When the bully is caught and punished (given consequences) then it will be safe to put your child back on the bus.  Do not let the school use your child to experiment on (to see if your child is bullied on camera).  Do not let your child on the bus until the bully has “repented,” apologized to your child for his actions – in writing.

If your school will not help you than send a letter to your School District Superintendents and all members of your school board and tell them you are not pleased with the safety measures they are taking in your school district and that you will actively campaign against any future school bond elections based on their inaction.  …My bet is that their tune will change very quickly.
 

4. Your child may be unwilling to go to school 
   (or become 'school phobic') 

Bullying might be one of the reasons your child might be unwilling to go to school.  Be aware that your child might have had any number of bad experiences that might have caused a “school phobia” to develop.  Keep asking the question, “why” and don’t let your child off the hook with avoidance answers. 

Also, be aware that depression may cause a child to want to stay home from school.  Psychologists have found that Depression can happen in children as young as 5 years old (Kindergarten age).  There have been rare cases of children as young as 5 years old taking their lives so remember that depression is not something to be fooled with.  In the future, I will be doing a special report on the signs of depression so stay tuned.
 

5. Your child may feel ill in the mornings

The first determination you will need to make as a parent is whether your child is emotionally sick or physically sick.  Both are real.  Both can be damaging.

Ask your child, again, if something is going on at school that you need to know about.  Sometimes, in a weak moment, this is the time a child will talk.  Be calm and listen.  If bullying is the cause, then be sure and read my special report on how to deal with bullying. 
 

6. Your child may do poorly in their school work

If your child has had no problems in the past and then suddenly begins to do poorly, some specific problems are not being resolved.  It is a parent's job to find out what is going on in your child’s life.  Of course, bullying could be one problem as there are many other things to look at.  Has your child been on medication?  Was there a death in the family?  This could also be a sign of depression.

If the bullying problem is not solved, in the emotional long run, your child will experience some damaging academic effects such as truancy, decreased class participation, poor concentration and dropping out of school early.  Imagine how stressful it is for a child who is abused by his/her peers every day and on top of that, cannot keep up or perform well in their classes.  I personally believe that 90% or more of the kids who drop out are, or have had relationship and bullying problems at school.  Kids just simply give up and choose the less stressful road.
 

7. Your child may come home regularly with clothes or books destroyed

This is a sure sign that bullying is going on at school. 

Tell your child that if they will not tell you what is going on you are going to call their teachers, administrators, friends and all your neighbors to find out if anyone knows, or has seen anything.  They may decide to talk rather than have you “investigate” what happened.
 

8. Your child may come home seemingly starving (bully is taking or extorting lunch money) - Continually 'lose' pocket or lunch money

Bullies love to exert power over others.  Bullying is always about power and control.  Taking away something from their victim is part of exerting power.  Bullies won’t see it as stealing, but part of the control they want to take on their victim.

What to do?  An easy way to solve this problem is to take the lunch money into the school office yourself and pay for lunches a month ahead of time.  For extra cash, tell the school what is happening and ask them to keep an eye on the bully.  It is likely the bully is stealing from other children as well. 
Also, a really neat idea that is being implemented in some schools is a “School Bank” and “School Store” where parents and kids can put money in and take it out as needed for products and services (food snacks,  office supplies, copy services, etc.).  You might suggest this concept to your school administrator to cut down on bullying behavior that could lead to jail time in the future.  (Of course, I just have to say it…the bully might learn some bank robbing skills too, if the bank is not run properly and securely or if the bully gets a job in the School Bank. )

 
9. Your child may have their possessions go missing,
    ask for money or start stealing (to pay the bully) - Shoplifting

If this is happening, have a sit-down, eye-to-eyeball talk with your child until the whole truth comes out.  Do not delay or let your parenting responsibilities relax.  What you do here can make the difference between a child who grows up with strong moral and social values or one who may go into the juvenile system and possibly prison – all because they are being extorted themselves.

The FBI did a report after Columbine a few years ago.  They stated in this report that they believe that 75% of bullies end up in prison before the age of 24.  I am going to bold here and make a guess that half of those kids were also victims of bullies.  According to a study by Dr. Dan Olweus, a renowned bullying expert, half of the children who are bullied, turn into bullies themselves.  Again, it is about power and control and when some victims feel like they have lost their own personal power and control over their own lives, they feel they have to take back what they lost and they begin to bully in turn.

A Warning: Be aware that YOU will probably be the one your child will steal from first.  Do not take this lightly.  If you do not take strong action and create some stiff consequences, your child will continue stealing or shoplifting until someone who WILL demand strong consequences catches them.
 

10. Your child may become withdrawn, start stammering, lack confidence, become distressed and anxious

Some kids will turn their anger (for being bullied) inside and become withdrawn, distressed and anxious about everything in their lives, even the smallest thing.  I remember how my son, Jared, would become frustrated when his bigger sister would go into the bathroom before him.  Never mind that there are three bathrooms in our house.  He would come to tears because big sister got there first...a small thing, but an after-effect of a larger thing, bullying.

Becoming withdrawn, lack of confidence, becoming distressed and anxious are all possible signs of depression.  A visit to a mental health therapist would be a good choice.
 

11. Your child may stop eating – eat too much

If your child is being bullied and has a (real or perceived) weight problem, the bully is targeting your child because of that weight problem or because they know which buttons to press to upset your child.  Your child may react in several different ways:

• Eat like there’s no tomorrow because food is the only comfort he/she is getting
• Stop eating in public – or pick at food and pretend to eat
• Stop eating in public but overindulge when alone and stressed out
• Stop eating to lose weight, becoming bulimic or anorexic. 

All of these are dysfunctional eating behaviors and some, like bulimia and anorexic disorders can cause some long-term health problems.
 

12. Your child may cry themselves to sleep

No one cries himself or herself to sleep as a normal part of sleep behaviors.  There is something wrong and it needs to be dealt with.  If your child will not talk about what is going on in school than make an appointment with a mental health care professional. 
 

13. Your child may have nightmares

Nightmares are not a normal part of sleep behaviors.  Again, there is something wrong and it needs to be dealt with.  Ask your child about their dream and surmise if your child is feeling unsafe as a part of his/her nightmare.  Common “unsafe” dreams might encompass “chasing,” “running away,” or even “dying” nightmare/episodes. 

After Jared was bullied, he had many problems with his sleep patterns, waking up at all hours of the night and noting on his clock what time it was.  It seems he made a daily report to us the exact times he had woken up in the night.  Even stranger, Jared took his clock with him when he would sleep at another place or when on vacation.  He had a…“clock-fixation disorder.”

What to do?  Make an appointment with a mental health care professional and get your child some counseling. 
 

14. Your child may have unexplained bruises, cuts, scratches

Your child might have all kinds of excuses for these unexplained bruises, cut, and scratches, but again, sit down and have a heart-to-heart about what is truly going on.  If your child is being assaulted in school, and likely he/she is, this needs to be reported to the police.  The police may or may not do anything but what you want is a written record made and a copy of the report.  Then send a copy of that report to your discipline officer at school for his records.  That puts your administrator on notice that your child is being abused at school.  They should take notice.  They had better take notice because once they get a police report into their records they can no longer plead ignorance if the bully or bullies abuse or bully your child physically again.

An assault is any sexual or physical attack on an unintended (a bystander for example) or intended victim (planned or unplanned).

 
15. Your child may begin to bully other children or siblings

As mentioned in number 9, the FBI did a report after Columbine a few years ago and found that about 75% of bullies end up in prison before the age of 24.  A study of a half-million European children by Dr. Dan Olweus, found that half of the children who are bullied turn into bullies themselves. 

Remember, bullying is about power and control.  When your child begins to feel that they have lost that power and control they begin to feel they have to take back what they lost and they begin to bully in turn.  What better place to start than with siblings?
 

16. Your child may become aggressive and unreasonable – out of character 

See number 15.

As a parent, you have a responsibility to create a safe environment in your home.  All members of the family must feel safe.  If your child begins to bully or hit/assault other family members, including you (father or mother), have a sit-down, eye-to-eyeball talk with your child about why he/she is acting this way.  Do not put it off, delay or let your parenting responsibilities relax.  What you do here can make the difference between a child who grows up with strong moral and social values or one who may go into the juvenile system and possibly prison – all because they are being abused at school themselves.

Deal with your child’s anger.  You may need professional help.  I recommend you find a mental health care professional and/or therapist to help you deal with your child’s anger.  Do not let your child's anger get out of control and become dangerous to your family and in his/her school environment.

Becoming aggressive, unreasonable and out of character are signs of depression, an even bigger reason to get your child the help he/she needs.
 

17. Your child may attempt or threaten suicide

If your child attempts suicide and either failed purposely or because his/her attempt was discovered in time, you have big problems that must be solved immediately.  The cry for help must not go unanswered.

In our own son’s case, we had no warnings and no “attempts.”  Jared just took his life and we had no chance to save him.  If you are ‘lucky’ enough to discover your child’s intentions to die by suicide, thank The Lord that you were given the chance to change that tragic outcome.

If your child feels that the bullying is serious enough to end his/her life, you must take immediate action.

If you believe your child’s attempt was meant to be a cry for help and not a suicide, (and its risky trying to decide) then make an immediate appointment with a therapist, like, that same day!  …My husband was actually looking about his employers mental health options for Jared when Jared called to say goodbye.  We were a day too late. 

If your child actually attempted suicide and you know they intended to die than immediately put your child into the care of a mental health hospital with a professional program that deals with suicidal children.  Your child may be there for a few days, a couple of weeks or even a few months.  Do not miss any visiting times, even if it is for a few minutes.  Do not let your child come home until the doctor says that it is time.  They WILL beg to come home and say they are better, but until the doctor says they are well, DO NOT let them come home.

Call the school and tell them your child may not be attending school for a long time, or ever again, because of the bullying and that you will have a doctor’s note sent to them telling them the details.  You may even decide to officially remove your child from school at this time.

Think seriously about this.  Your child went to school and dodged cars all day long until one day they decided they would just let the car hit and kill them.  Why in the world would you as a parent let your child go back to that kind of stress?  If you do, and nothing has changed, be prepared for another suicide attempt.  A child can only stand the stress of bullying for so long before they crack – A child can only pretend they are okay with the bullying for so long before they give up, again.

Do not send your child back to school because it will help them “become stronger and learn to deal with their problems.”  That is so dangerous.  Do not take a chance on whether your child can endure more abuse over the possibility of suicide.

Do not be embarrassed about talking with others about what your child is going through.  …Better to be embarrassed than to have one less child.

Some of my readers may not agree with me on this, but I will say it anyway.  There is no use in sending a child back to school that has been traumatized by bullying so much that they wanted to kill themselves.  Either send your child to another school, a private school or homeschool them.  Maybe later, (the next school year) when your child’s school has appropriately disciplined the bully, initiated a school-wide anti bullying program and your child has healed from his/her bullying experience; then you can send him/her back to school.
 

Listen to your child when they tell you what is going on in school.  Then put your heads and hearts together to come up with the solutions that will make school a safe place to learn.